Jakarta, 16 September 2017, ditulis dengan kepala dingin, ditengah tumpukan kerjaan di weekend yang cukup panas sampe harus nyalain AC.
This past 3 months was sooooo tough. My life has been roller coaster ever since. It went up and then down, up again down again, upside down, then slowly up. I should admit that life truly hit me hard on the face. Merantau sendiri ke Jakarta, putus sama pacar, deal with new people (of course with different personality), kewajiban menuhin KPI kantor, dan masih banyak lagi lainnya.
I’m not strong enough to face this, karna aku bukan aspal apron (apasih). I cried, a lot. My life was so messy. Kamar berantakan, makan gak teratur, sekalinya makan cuma makan mie instan sama boncabe banyak (faedahnya apa), tidur mulu (literally bisa tidur 15-17 jam sehari pas weekend), menarik diri dari kehidupan sosial, balik kantor malem mulu padahal ga jelas apa yang dikerjain, parah deh pokoknya. It much worse than you can imagine.
In this point I want to ask myself, “Kamu kenapa sih? Apasih sebenernya yang bikin kamu kaya gini?”
Merantau ke Jakarta, sendiri, definitely was a big deal for me. Buat seorang anak yang gak pernah jauh dari orang tua selama lebih dari 22 tahun, it’s not easy. Ayah Ibuk adalah tipe orang tua yang ingin anaknya berkarir di BUMN (konservatif? Yeah maybe), but I try so hard to make their dreams come true. Apalagi setelah tragedi melepas Peruri demi BI yang akhirnya BI nya gak dapet juga, aku merasa ini adalah “hutang” yang harus aku bayar ke Ayah Ibuk (padahal mereka juga nggak pernah nagih). Aku seneng ketika finally bisa bayar “hutang” itu, tapi ternyata jauh dari orang tua berat uga. First time hari raya haji jauh dari rumah, I cried a lot pas sholat Ied. Sediih banget rasanya. But I never show this to my family. I don’t want they know that I’m struggling here. I want to keep this feeling for myself (tapi ditulis di blog) (yha suka-suka kamu ajalah pik)
Yes, I have to learn how to be strong and independent. Harus belajar gimana cara hidup sendiri tanpa relies much to other people. It’s not easy, apalagi ditambah aku nggak ada motor disini, kemana-mana kudu naik gojek, atau kalo mau jauhan dikit naik KRL. Tough lyfe.
Kalo tentang pacar, yeah I know, I have to learn a lot about how to build a good relationship.
I always expect other to do as good as I am, as much as I am, and now I realize that it’s wrong. Contohnya misal aku kepingin sesuatu, aku bakal do everything that I can to get it. I will work, belajar semaleman, doa siang malem. Jadi ketika aku liat orang yang pengen sesuatu but don’t put effort as big as I am, aku bakal dongkol dan marah-marah. Ngeselin kan? HAHAHA *keplakin diri sendiri*
I have to learn more about how to handle my emotion. Apalagi kalo udah deket-deket PMS. Parah labilnya. Yha.. I know aku gak boleh “nyalahin” PMS karena sebenernya semuanya soal self-control. From now on, I will try not to talk when I’m angry, because it ends up hurt the people whom I love. I will try so hard not to dominate and know when to stop. I realize that marah-marah is not cool, bruh. Telat nyadarnya ya? Yaudahsih daripada nggak nyadar sama sekali. HAHAHA *keplakin diri sendiri lagi*
I have to learn how to express my feeling. Yha, I’m sucks at this. Ibarat kata kaya sayang, tapi gak keliatan sayang, padahal menurutku itu udah nunjukin rasa sayang. Nahloh bingung kan wkwk. I have to appreciate people whom love me better (nggak terbatas pada pacar si). Because I realize that they can gone every time. I don’t want to lose someone whom I love just because of my silly act again. No, please. No more.
But in this point, I don’t want to look for another person. Too tired to expect, and I’m just not ready for another heart break. Melupakan itu rumit. Let time heals and give myself time to become better person. Bukankan jodoh dan rejeki sudah menjadi jaminan Allah? 😊
I’m not writing this to curhat (boong banget), but rather to remind myself that I have homework, that is to be better. To remind myself that I way too far from “good people”. To remind myself that I have to work hard to change bad habit that already live with me. I feel sorry about everyone who’ve been hurt by my words and my acts. Thank you so much for family and friends. I know that so many things happened. I’ve lost and I’ve gained, I’ve been hurt and I’ve learnt. All for the good.
And anyone who read this, please, remind me if I forgot that I have this homework.
Happy Saturday Everyone xoxo